Thursday, October 15, 2015

Overwhelmed

You never really think 8 months away from your home land could make a difference. I mean how much can life really change? I knew what I was coming back to. A house I never thought I would step foot into again. Power, hot water, lots of people the same color as me and that speak the same language. I now had to go into actual buildings to buy things I needed. Everything was at my fingertip and if I wanted it was there waiting for me. 

Yesterday after my flight I returned to the house that I use to call home and as I walked around I felt this instinct need to get out of it. I felt suffocated, dizzy, almost like it was a dream to be back in this place. I returned back to Canada with only the clothes I had wearing and we headed to the store to get some clothes for myself and just like that you look around at all this stuff wondering why do we need so much stuff. I went about the rest of the day just doing what needed to be done but completely exhausted and completely overwhelmed. 

It wasn't until last night as I laid in bed and realized what had just happened. I just left my "home" in Haiti to come "home" to Canada. Two very different worlds. I realized that when I said my see you later's to our 28 kids whom we work with and love like our own, I put up a wall to feel anything else. The day we left before going to the airport we stopped to say goodbye to our two little men and it was too easy. No tears were shed and it was like I was saying goodbye to just anyone. I saw the sadness in our older boy's eyes when I told it was the day for me to go Canada but I felt nothing. I hugged and kissed him and almost couldn't get away fast enough. But last night as I go to bed, the feelings came out and it was like those unexpected rain showers. I felt like I just left a part of my life in Haiti and was left unsure on how I was going to handle it. 

I awoke in the middle of night not knowing where I was and who was laying beside me. I was in fog for atleast 10 minutes before I remembered where and with whom I was with. I was scared. I felt like I was in the unknown. 

Even today as we drove around this familiar place it feels so different and new. I thought it would be easy to just come back and live the way I use to, but that's the thing, it's how I use to live. It's overwhelming to say the least and maybe it'll take a few more days to adjust but a part of me wants to go to sleep and say wake me when it's time to go back to the place I know. 

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