In the last 24 hours I have come to be aware that I have a fear of releasing things/people. I am scared at the thought that I am losing something, but then I think is that something or someone more important than what I am going to be gaining? Gaining the closeness to God that I have been craving for awhile now and know how much I have missing out on with Him.
Yesterday my eyes were opened and God was working on my heart and preparing me for what was to come that that night. As most of you know that are reading this I am moving to Haiti with my husband and three children. We have been working hard on raising our support so we can leave for the mission field. God had spoke to me in late November that by the end of January our family would be ready to go to the field. It was an exciting thought until I looked at the numbers and saw that we had to raise almost $6000 in just two months time. I prayed for people to help us...God provided. I prayed for people to support... God provided. And yet as we came down to the last bit with just two weeks before the end of the month I doubted that we would make it there.
Last Thursday we made a video for our church to update them on how much we needed to make it to the 90% mark so we can leave for the mission field and how much in total we needed to be fully supported. We gave the church one number to later realize that day it was a higher number. Oy! There came that doubt creeping in again. Sunday comes and don't you think that after adding the numbers and putting them into the computer that we received enough to bring us to 90.3%... God provided.
I allowed that guilt to get to me all day. I attended my book study that night where we discussed things that were hitting so close to home, I can home and went to bed. That's right I went straight to bed no thanks to the Lord for that day. But my sleep was short when I was awoken and I knew that this was the night I was to release what was keeping me from God. I also know that when I get on my knees and I weep to the Lord, that this is some serious stuff that needs to be dealt with. I cried "God how can you still provide for me when I live the life I do?" He told me to do something in that moment and with His strength and knowing He will help me I did exactly what I was told to do. It is the end of day 1 of this release, it hasn't been easy nor do I think tomorrow will be easy, but that's ok because He has shown me how to get through the day.
If there is something you need to release, do not be afraid. He will be there with you. He is your strength, you will get through this.